Insecurities

I love hockey.  I love to watch it. I love to write about it. I hope to one day learn how to play.  I love interviewing players, but I will never interview them face to face.  It has to be done either by phone or email.  At every Thunderbirds game I cover, the PR guy asks us during the third period, "Do you want to talk to the players?" I always say no.  It's not because I'm shy or feel my hockey knowledge won't stand up.   I say no because I don't want any player to look at me.   I'm overweight.  Strike that. I'm not overweight.  I'm very overweight.  

Sure, I'm working to lose it.  I've gotten serious about my health.  Actually, I've had to get serious. I've been diagnosed as being pre-diabetic.  I have extremely high blood pressure.  And I'm still young, dammit.  I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant and never lost it.  Well, that's not exactly true.  I did drop four sizes about 10 years ago, by diligently going to the gym every morning and walking on the treadmill for an hour.  I know I can do it again.  Yes, I have a few health challenges.  I also have a few lingering aches from a car accident four years ago.  But the fact remains that I can do it.  I can lose weight.

But that doesn't change the way I look now and the way I feel about approaching hockey players. These guys are young and fit.  They would look at me and just see the weight.  They wouldn't see the pregnancy, the accident, the injuries.  And no matter how well they've been brought up, they would not see past the weight to the brain that houses the passion for the game they play so well. I could not stand to see the disgust or even pity in their eyes.

So, I will continue to interview players by email or phone.  I will continue to cover the games.  But I will not meet any of these guys face to face, no matter how nice they seem.  It's a step I just can't take.